The Black Spiderman Blogs: February 2017

Friday, February 24, 2017

Monday, February 20, 2017

Letting Go!

Ok so I have to get this out because it hurts and well I used to always work through my issues by blogging. So 4 and a half years of my life was spent in love with someone who because of my past I couldn't let them in 100 percent. I know it's not right or fair but it's what I did. They always say that you can't bring your past relationships into your future ones because that's not fair to the person you're trying to be with. It's so true...I'm learning that now. I love this girl..woman..with all my heart!!! It sucks that she hates me soo much and won't forgive me...talk to me....I'm extremely lost right now. I've never really felt this way about another person...EVER...hell I wanted to marry her...because I know I could spend the rest of my life with her. It sounds stupid but it's true. I watch her fly to london to meet some random guy and within 5 days they are telling each other they love one another. So many people tell me that it won''t last and most likely it won't but it hurts watching someone you love say those words to another. The sad part about it is that seeing it and realizing that I could lose her opened my eyes up to what I really wanted with my life or rather who I really wanted. I knew I had to change my mind set to try to win her back..I couldn't keep having my wall up...for what?? That shit never made me happy....I'm happiest when I'm with her. Watching her smile and the way she has passion for what she does made me realize how alike we are. She's my Yin...to the Yang...lol....so I started in january fixing myself...trying to get down to the root of my insecurities...trust issues etc....talking to people about relationships. It opened my eyes...so many people have gone through my similair situation and have won back their loves. I feel like it's over and I have to let her go but something keeps telling me to just be patient and things will work itself out. Will they? It sucks that someone that I cae about so much can shut me out but then now I can understand how all the times I shut her out felt. Wow I was such a horrible person...How could I do that to someone I love??? I beat myself up everyday for it...but what can I do...I can't change the past...I just have to not ever do that again. I poured my heart out to her a week ago and I could just see how angry she was at me...I can't tell if she's mad because of my instagram messages while she was in London or the fact that I'm trying to win her back? I could tell though that she is still in love with me....but she just hates me....If it wasn't for her friends or family I'm not sure maybe both I think she would talk to me....for a person who doesn't care what people thinks she's bothered by what they would think if she got back with me. It's pretty much my life....when I FINALLY know what I want and how to do it...it's too late? God hates me...punishment right?? All these years she would tell me how perfect we were for each other...and now I can REALLY see it...it wasn't just sex because if it were I wouldn't FEEL like this..At all. She can't remember the good times...Why is it people only see the bad moments?? I told her I'd let her go and I finally have to do that....she'll probably never talk to me again because she's stubborn that way...even though I know she wants to...I would've never cut her out completely and that's how I know I love her because I've let people go before and it never felt this bad. She thinks I'm a narcacist...everyone is a narcassist if they hurt her I guess. I wish I could go back knowing everything I know now....we would be so happy...I know it...a family, business etc....we'd rule this fucking world! Long rant but much needed....She's not happy....she tries to pretend...but I know...maybe one day she'll realize that I am the one....hopefully by then I haven't completely moved on...hell I can't spend my life loving someone who doesn't want me..Right?